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He restores my soul... [May. 15th, 2007|01:09 am]
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First off, I would like to apologize for the mean and hateful things I have said or shared in my history on Livejournal. I'm sorry. Reading back on some of my entries has shown me how much we change from month to month, year to year. I hope I present this in a more mature way than I may have previously. I would also like to apologize for my inconsistency in following the Lord.

God is so good and his mercy flows far past any preconceived notion of what we think he can do. He has changed me, built me up, restored me, cleansed me, and showed me mercy. For all this I thank him. His love endures forever. I have so much to thank him for now.

I'm probably writing this to myself or a some stranger who just comes by my page but I don't care. I just wanted to set a few things straight. God is in control and he knows what he is doing. Praise him for all he is and for being all we aren't!
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The most incredible weekend [Mar. 20th, 2006|04:52 pm]
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[music |Atreyu - The Crimson]

I think I might of had the best weekend of my life. I didn't have to work from Thursday night until this morning and that was good but spending all that time with Grace was F'in awesome. I can't even describe how much fun I had this weekend. I walked into work this morning glowing like a Christmas tree and still currently am. My face hurts and I like it. I'm not going to go into the details but I will say that God is good and He has been good to me. It's really cool to have a girl that's a musician, more power to Josh B for learning that early. I didn't realize how bomb it was but I'm glad I learned. Anyway, hope yours was good too. Mel seems to be the only one writing, I will agree with a planetary alignment but my planets are different colors and you can't see them without these special glasses. I sound like a mormon, I need to stop. Love, Peace and Chicken Grease. Somebody say Hi to me, I miss you guys.
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Grace [Mar. 9th, 2006|12:14 pm]
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[music |nonpoint-duscandome]

last night was one of the most awesome times i've had in a very very long time. earlier this week in some kind of predetermined way Grace got my number and called me. Grace is a girl i used to go to church with back when i was at grace tabernacle, my parents church, about three years ago. at the time i was dating amber and she was dating a friend of mine named kirby(some of you know). well, when she called me this week we just hit it off right our first conversation. i've been writing to her on my myspace account like everyday since and have really, really enjoyed talking to her. it's weird how it came together but i'm glad it did. anyway, i got to see her last night after waiting an almost endless and sleepless 4 days of anticipation. well, there was something to anticipate because i had an incredible night. i was nervous getting there, sweating actually.(i never sweat when i'm nervous i usually start playing with my hands like some nervous compulsive disorder or something)when i got there she came outside to meet me and to be honest with you i forgot how fine this girl is. SHE IS FINE!! the sweating started to go away being replaced by my frantic hand movements but soon left when i knew there was nothing to worry about. we waited on her mom to get home(her mom is an astonishing guitarist!)and soon left for dinner. i took her out to carrabbas in the villages, the food could have been pedigree and it still would not have ruined anything. this girl is an amazing person to talk to. she never lost my attention for a second. i have not had that much fun just talking to someone in a long time. let's put it this way, i was laughing and having such a good time my face hurts today from smiling so much. i haven't had that happen in almost 5 years. when we left we went to target to get some movies to watch and ended up buying jarhead and super troopers. we went back to her house and just chilled. i got a little sugar when i left too, the icing on the cake.
i am really excited to see where this goes but have to watch myself. i don't want to get myself hurt. it's really good to have someone interested in me, something i could get used to. there are so many things i want to write on here about her but don't have time. there's always tomorrow though. call me mr. clean baby, oooooowwwwwweeeeee!!!!!
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pissing off everyone [Feb. 27th, 2006|12:30 pm]
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[music |social distortion - reach for the sky]

i've been pretty down these last couple of days. it sucks having an anxiety disorder and being able to do nothing about it. my prescription gives me insomnia so i have to suffer the feeling of something being wrong all the time and it's my fault or no sleep. i work to much to give up sleep so look where that leaves me. i just feel like i've lost hope in myself. maybe that's good though. maybe i should put more hope in God than i do myself. Lord knows i am disappointing.

as for the taste of chaos. i don't even want to talk about it. thanks for making me feel like shit for doing the right thing. i'm an asshole both ways so it doesn't matter what i do.

i didn't do anything this weekend. sat in my sorrow, that's about it.

as for the rest of the week - i'm just going to try and work hard to pass the time and maybe this weekend i can find a solution to my problem, whatever it is.

your decisions are born in the dark
if it is right, why are you afraid
the world is all you have to give away
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blingo sucks [Feb. 24th, 2006|11:56 am]
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[music |rage - guerilla radio]

so i've been searching the tantalizing BLINGO and have come to one conclusion: if you don't have luck in the first place don't bother. it's an anticipation for aggravation. burn blingo burn

i'm going to put a system in my truck probably this weekend. 2 12's R F punch's. hopefully it slams.

tomorrow - taste of chaos - doesn't get much better than that.

no-one reads this shit so i might as well be writing this on paper. don't worry i'm going to f off for you now.
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something to soothe the day after the soothing [Feb. 15th, 2006|02:17 pm]
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[music |atreyu - the curse]

i am in good spirit. my valentines day was one to remember. i was supposed to go to work last night but i went to calli's house for a sec and ended up staying. i didn't know her that well until last night and i'm glad i didn't go to work. we watched a movie, then picked up some olive garden, watched another movie, and then sat around talking while doing a puzzle. the puzzle was probably the most fun of the night given our conversations. i think she is cool but i'm not trying to get my tires to bark.

hooray! i got my w2's yesterday too.

to top things off i got an unexpected valentines gift today.

i've wanted this watch forever and somehow never received it until now. i got it from ariel. when she gave it to me it didn't follow with "i know it's not the one you wanted but I like this one better." she will forever be in my heart for that. she knew i wanted it and i didn't get it for my birthday so, she hooked it up. much love baby.

the funniest most embarrassing thing ever happened this morning at mcnasties. i was trying to order my food when i couldn't get past the very strange face the cashier was making. i ordered, got the total (still with a strange face), and went to get some money out of my front pocket. well, apparently when you stick your hand in your pocket and your zipper is down (note the strange look) it tends to open the zipper up grand canyonish wide. when, i noticed my johnson about to flop out i quickly turned and pulled up my zipper only to find a few straglers in the way and a loud noise from my mouth. let's just say no-one at mcdonalds was out of the loop of what just happened and waiting on my food was a very, very humbling experience. i just wanted to leave after the zipping but i just spent $7 man. i wish one of my friends would of been there to laugh it off but instead i just laughed at myself. that was probably my most embarrassing experience in my whole life.

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out of the loop out of my mind [Feb. 10th, 2006|08:37 am]
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[music |paul wall]

don't you hate it when one of your "friends" goes around telling everyone in the world something important but at the end of them telling it's always don't tell such and such. or don't say anything to Josh. then when you do talk to them you know what's up but they don't know you know what's up and you can see it in their eyes. i hate that. don't you think that words get around. does that person think i am stupid? what's worse is that if i had been told in the first place by the person it pertains to it would of been better than hearing it from someone else. it's just the fact of the matter. granted, there was no way for me to not get upset about this but is that a reason for me not to know, because i would get upset? i guess so. don't worry, i'm not going to shoot myself over this because it makes me happy actually. i glad i know what's up now but i feel like i've been lied to. they will let me know what's up in their time or maybe never. i don't care. i'm more worried about/for the one coming.

on another note, i am officially moved out of my apartment. what suck is that when i was officially moving the power Officially went out. so yeah, if you have never had to move in the dark count your lucky stars. the move was a three day event due to my working so much. i'll find a place soon and it will all work out.

i feel liberated in my life right now. i have let go of alot of useless feelings and many of these burdens that try a bring me down. there are a few things i stand on.
1. God loves me
2. i can't go wrong with the jobs i have right now. i never thought i would be making this kind of money at 21 and i'm moving up by the second
3. i am going to find a girl that i can love fully and she is going to love me fully. i've learned about the fake shit.
4. my family when i get older will benefit for my hard work and we will have nice things.

"to all yall haters out there tryin to tear me down,
i got somethin for yo ass. chop chop."
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I got to let this one burn [Feb. 6th, 2006|09:16 am]
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[music |Aaliyah - four page letter]

i don't even know how i want to start this but let's give it a shot. for the last six months i've wondered, "how the f did things get like this? what is the purpose of this heartache? was following my heart the right thing to do when i feel so lonely?" most importantly and the question that dug deepest into my soul was in a single word, WHY? i thought that i was being punished for something. i beat myself up for the decisions i had made. i blamed it on me. well, no one is to blame. if there is anyone to blame it would be God. but just like my mom told me this weekend, GOD DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES. everything that happens to us has been seen, thought out, planned, and blessed before we were even born. don't lose the comfort that comes with knowing we have someone that truly loves us past this crap. and that He knows what he is doing. i just really hurts at the same time. it's hard to see the mountain through the clouds, especially if it's raining. at least i have some understanding now. thank you God for giving me that. i would of liked it to have been a little less overwhelming but joy comes in the morning. i can have some peace now. who knows what the next year will bring. i few things i know are going to be hard on me when they come but it's like that usher song, i got to let this burn. i pray this for you, please pray it for me.

Numbers 6:
24 The LORD bless you, and keep you;

25 The LORD make His face shine on you,

And be gracious to you;

26 The LORD lift up His countenance on you,

And give you peace.'
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this bottle of beast is taking me home [Jan. 24th, 2006|07:56 am]
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[music |no music- insanity played backwards]

i slept in her spot last night. i never do but i needed to feel some sort of comfort last night. it seems like when i "steal the wall", it gives me a sense of peace. probably because of all the memories that come along with that. i should have known that those memories would manifest themselves into my dreaming last night. i thought i was over this but i guess there is something in me that won't let me/doesn't want to get over it. i haven't dreamed about her in months but i guess my sleeping arrangements supported subliminal messages. i couldn't have thought up a better dream. i don't want to embarrass her but i wish could have lived in that dream forever. i woke up this morning crying. literally, crying. i tried aimlessly to go back to sleep to finish the incredible artificial moment but never could. i just laid there thinking, hoping, praying. i pray that God shows me some understanding of what he wants me to learn in all of this turmoil in my life right now. it's hard to deal with alone and Jesus doesn't always seem that close to me. that's my fault though. i just wish i had some peace in my life right now or a least something to look forward to instead of work and money. i make alot of money now, which i thought would help with my low self-esteem, but it doesn't. i can't write this crap right now. i'm still dreaming. maybe later when my thoughts are in order.
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who is merrissa williams? [Jan. 18th, 2006|07:57 am]
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[music |linkin park/jay-z - 99 problems]

well, i have had an interesting week. i found out on monday that i have 2 half sisters from my biological father that lives in indiana. merrissa and kendra. merrissa is 17 and kendra is 5 months younger than merrissa. both are seniors i believe. merrissa is half black which i find very cool. i got a phone number to get in contact with her last night so i will probably be calling her when i get off of number 2. i can't wait ot talk to her.

so how did this all come about? it all started when we went to indiana this last time for the auction they for my grandma's junk. apparently merrissa got in contact with my mom because she had found out about us and wanted to get in contact with us. it seems my mom and dad didn't want to release this information because i was not told about this from them. anyway, justin's wife heather asked him the other day if he knew who merrissa williams was. justin, of course said, "i don't know. why?" she said that merrissa called the house up there and was talking to mom. justin says he thinks heather already knew what was up because of the way she was acting. so the next day, with his suspicion accumulating and the repeating question of "who is merrissa williams?" running through his mind, justin goes to my mom and dad's house to find some answers. as soon as he poses the question he said my dad started crying. he said that my dad didn't want to tell us because he felt like if we knew we had a sister out there we might try and find our real dad and forget about him. so they were waiting for the "right time" to tell us.

so when did i find out about this? sunday night when i was sitting at my house, drunk, and already aggravated. justin says, "did you know that we have a half sister that lives in indiana?" let me remind you of something, i was drunk, so let's just say my reaction reflected that. "no! how the hell did you find that out?" i asked. "i found out from mom and dad kind of on accident", he says. well, i started to throw a fit and justin calmed me dow and told me i should talk to mom and dad before i get to worked up. "not a bad idea", i thought. so i figured i would give myself monday to chill and go to see my mom on tuesday.
so yesterday i go over there. i'm not in a bad mood, i'm just aggravated but not being rude or anything. i didn't eat anything all day so i was looking for some food and getting more aggravated because all they had to eat there was soup. i hate soup. anyway, i eventually ask my mom, "why didn't you say anything to me or any of us about merrissa when you found out?" she says, "well, your dad and i didn't think it was a good idea for the time. we didn't have all of you together to tell you except for Christmas and we felt that wasn't a good time." so i say, "when do you think it was going to be a good time? were you even going to tell us?" so then she says, "your dad didn't want you to get hurt. he was trying to protect us. he was afraid you would find out about merrissa and try and find ronny and then forget about him." so about this time my dad must of heard what we were talking about and he starts walking to the kitchen. what are his first words? well, it wasn't, "i'm sorry son we should have told you sooner." it was more along the lines of, "what the hell is you problem josh? what the hell are you so pissed off about?" so knowing my dad's temper and his tendency to get violent i tried to keep it cool. "i'm not pissed off dad, i'm just aggravated", i said calmly. and this is where you need your boots. so my dad starts getting scary on me, "no! your pissed off! why do you even care? you don't know this damn girl or anything about her. ronny has never been there for you so what the fuck does she matter? i didn't even want the damn girl knowing we lived in florida or you mother even to talk to her and...." by this time i am pissed off. so i interrupt my dad and just let him know that. i said, "dad, watch it because you starting to piss me off." so then the crap gets real deep because my dad doesn't like to be challenged. he starts getting all bowed up and yelling while he's walking toward me like he's going to hit me or something, "get pissed off boy! what are you going to do?" well, let's just say i saw where this was headed. me and my dad getting into it and him kicking my ass like always. so i just said, "fuck you! i'm leaving." their fiery words hit me in the back as i'm walking out. i left and went to the house to pull all this together.
am i wrong for being pissed of right now? i feel like they should have told me about merrissa when they found out about her. if i want something to do with her then that's my prerogative and my decision to make. i'm a grown man and am capable of making my own decisions. i feel like they are being selfish. they should have told me. i don't want to hear some bull shit excuse about not having us all together to tell us. how long would it have taken for them to tell me about her? were they ever going to tell us? my mom says my dad feels bad for treating us kids the way he did when we were younger and he doesn't want us to want to find ronny and stop calling him dad. i can totally understand where he's coming from. he's scared. but if he did feel bad about the way he treated us he wouldn't of been trying to get in my shit last night. let's just say i would have rather my kids know the truth, and make their own decisions. if i knew the truth and pursued ronny and forgot about my dad, how much love did i have for my dad? if i knew the truth and it didn't matter, which is the case, and i still stayed around and still called him dad, isn't that more important. to know if the love is real. instead of my dad "protecting" me he's really protecting himself. i'm not mad at him for not saying anything really, i'm mad at the way he handled the situation last night when i wanted to talk about it.

i need some insight on this. somebody talk to me.
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