|this bottle of beast is taking me home
||[Jan. 24th, 2006|07:56 am]
age -ver -req
|||||no music- insanity played backwards||]|
i slept in her spot last night. i never do but i needed to feel some sort of comfort last night. it seems like when i "steal the wall", it gives me a sense of peace. probably because of all the memories that come along with that. i should have known that those memories would manifest themselves into my dreaming last night. i thought i was over this but i guess there is something in me that won't let me/doesn't want to get over it. i haven't dreamed about her in months but i guess my sleeping arrangements supported subliminal messages. i couldn't have thought up a better dream. i don't want to embarrass her but i wish could have lived in that dream forever. i woke up this morning crying. literally, crying. i tried aimlessly to go back to sleep to finish the incredible artificial moment but never could. i just laid there thinking, hoping, praying. i pray that God shows me some understanding of what he wants me to learn in all of this turmoil in my life right now. it's hard to deal with alone and Jesus doesn't always seem that close to me. that's my fault though. i just wish i had some peace in my life right now or a least something to look forward to instead of work and money. i make alot of money now, which i thought would help with my low self-esteem, but it doesn't. i can't write this crap right now. i'm still dreaming. maybe later when my thoughts are in order.