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no, silly it's not do the hustle. it's do the ugly. beoch [Jan. 11th, 2006|08:01 am]
age -ver -req
[music |the used - buried myself alive]

well, it seems everyone has been avoiding their live journals so i will give mine some attention. these last couple of days have been hectic. between my bills, 3 jobs, someone hitting my brand new truck in a parking lot and not having any money i finding little time for myself. it seems like any free time i have is ate up by the everyday obligations i can't take care of until like 8:30 at night. yeah that's when i get home from #2. i go to work at Casmin at 7am and i work at my second job until 8pm, that's 13 hours a day. i do that monday through thursday, friday i just work at casmin and get off at 4. even friday night is messed up because i have to work on sat morning doing installs. sunday is the only day to myself. frankly i don't even feel like going to church on sundays. i just want to sleep in. not have to be up at 7 or 6 for that matter. i hope i will be broke of that.

as for my social life. ha. what social life? oh, yeah you mean saturday night and sunday. well, my relentless search for companionship and the feeling that comes without it is softened by the ever increasing number of my friends dating fugly women. they're like, "hey man, what do you think about her? she is sooo freaking hot isn't she. ooooowwwwweeeeeee" then i'm like "she is soooo freaking not hot. eeeeeewwwwoooooo" seriously, it's kind of getting out of hand. i hope i'm not being incredibly shallow. it seems the whole purpose of the whole date an ugly girl thing is steady tang. that's about all i can figure. i personally would rather be alone than be with someone just to "feel" like i'm not alone. do you understand? if not, i'm still catching up too.

well, i'm going to swim up stream and not do the ugly
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don't rock with me, let's roll [Dec. 27th, 2005|03:36 pm]
age -ver -req
[music |happy songs of getting off work soon]

so how was your Xmas? pretty good here too. i got to spend a lot of much needed time with my family so that's always good. i bought my mom some Chanel for Christmas and she didn't even know what it was. yeah, i just about slapped her. she didn't know what it was because she had never had expensive perfume she says, so that's a good enough explanation for me. you should have seen it though, it was funny. my dad got a pool table on wednesday, he loves it. so i have been sharpening my skills you know what i'm saying and paying the bills. speaking of bills - pray for one of mine, it's not good. one downfall to the weekend was meeting my sister's man for the first time - think of the worse first impression you can imagine and this is probably worser-dan that. it was bad. i wanted to be violent. God was good. He helped me. Sam still lives. someone tell sam he should be thankful.

what's poppin' for new year's? you tell me.....
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curiousity killed the moment [Dec. 23rd, 2005|01:49 pm]
age -ver -req
today has been going by fast. i got in to work this morning at 5:47 so i'm fixin to get off. i have to do all my Christmas shopping in one day so i can't wait for that. i hope i can be in and out without and probs. i'm basically writing this to say Merry Christmas and don't buy the new nonpoint cd, it's not that good. "bullet with a name" though - a must for mp3 owners.
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just tell me where it hurts [Dec. 21st, 2005|03:31 pm]
age -ver -req
[music |alkaline trio-mercy me]

my dislike for Christmas is growing daily. for some reason i'm just not with it this holiday season. usually i'm freaking out happy about this time of year but this year i could really care less. no matter how many christmas lights i look at or how many boring Christmas radio songs i make myself listen to, i still can't shake it. some of it probably has to do with not having any decorations in my apartment, yes that's right, no tree. sad i know but i'm not going to waste my money on something that upsets me. the reason why i'm not "digging it" this year is because i don't have anyone to "dig it" with. the holidays are leaps and bounds better when you have someone to share them with. someone to bring with you shopping, the company party, dinner christmas eve, dinner christmas day, most important the gift exchange - you can't wait to give the big one to her, but you have to save it for last. you watch her aimlessly as she opens her gifts, waiting on every second for that look of suprise and gratefulness toward you. it's the look in her eyes when all the presents are gone and you tell her you forgot about one. you go to the back room and come out with a big box and give it to her. she doesn't even know what to say she just want to see what's in it. she tears open the first box, and to her suprise, another box. this continues until the sizes of the boxes start to hint toward the contents inside as the smile on her face gets bigger, her eyes wider. finally she gets to the end, her reaction is irreplacable, her smile captures you, the love is real. i will never forget that Christmas, the best one in my life, if it doesn't compare with that what's the point? you tell me.
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acrylic sunrise [Dec. 15th, 2005|01:55 pm]
age -ver -req
[music |adioslave(not as good as rage)-be yourself]

fake. why does it seem like everything dear to me is artificial? like it wasn't meant for me to have the real thing in the first place so i get the save-a-lot brand supposed to taste like the real thing, thing. you know what i'm talking about, you're poor, you love cherrios but they are too expensive, so instead you have to settle for cheapios (the ones that look like miniature dehydrated donuts and taste like dog doo). why? i hate cheapios and i hate donuts. sometimes we have to take what we can get in order to get what we want. and sometimes "you can't always get what you want, you get what you need." maybe i should be content with what i have and then anything beyond that is unexpected and a surprise.

let's see what you can do boy!
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the more you suffer, the more it shows you really care [Dec. 12th, 2005|01:22 pm]
age -ver -req
[music |jimmy eat world - sweetness]

i've done all i know to do. this woman i've been talking to is confusing. she says she likes me but doesn't show it at all. one minute she's so far up my butt she can smell my breath the next minute i'll call her 20 times before i get any contact. i think i'm being used as usual but the occasional affection is almost worthwhile. i'm going to stop putting any effort toward this slowly degrading situation, it's not worth it. so, back to the future of waiting.

so i was sick all weekend. every stinkin second of it. i think i'm getting another sinus infection and i hate it. i also found out that i have to move out after this month because my brother is going to move up to indiana. so that basically gives me 6 weeks to find a place to live (that's including my eviction month). not a good thing. hopefully this place i called today will be able to get me in but i'm waiting on info. i hope i can find a fairly nice one. i want to get all new furniture, alot of modern designs and decorating. i want it to be a house that you walk into for the first time and your jaw hits the floor. yeah, like that.

this situation hinders my Christmas shopping substantially, especially because i have yet to buy 1 Christmas present. well, i did buy one about 2 months ago but the thought nor the present would count now so i took it back. it was expensive and the money will come in handy but i wish i were in the position to have given it. one day. maybe. this weekend i'm going to try and buy presents within my means. we'll see how that goes.

so money will be tight these next couple of weeks but it will be worth it. i just want this to be over with.
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recoil [Dec. 9th, 2005|08:21 am]
age -ver -req
[music |the sounds of madness]

coffee......mmmm.........coffee. i'm working on a little buzz right now so i thought i might write in this thing. so someone at work this morning made the coffee out of jet fuel and ephedrine i think. i don't know who but i appreciate it. i'm up. rise and shine valentine. i'm up. my fingers can't keep up with the keyboard. that wasn't right.

no daytona as of last night. my dadio is not cooperating, and "says" he has to work. i don't really care that much, i just need a little break. something strange. something. i think i'll clean my very much needs a cleaning house today when i get off. it's not messy to the average apple but the pears don't seem to like it that much. so i will do the right thing like spike lee and make them both happy.

tomorrow? will be a good day. i might go and get some ink done. something pimp-tight. i want to get my last name written in graffiti across my shoulders. that would be cool. yeah!, and then, yeah!, i..........might........get........a........d i n o s u a r!!!!! YEA! lol. sorry. i'm being weird.

hasta manana?

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be easy [Dec. 7th, 2005|02:59 pm]
age -ver -req
[music |tool-schism]

these last couple of days i have been really chill, which is weird because i tend to worry so much i don't even know what i'm worried about. it really is nice to not be so worked up all the time. why have i been so laid back? there are probably a couple of things:

1. i haven't been thinking hopeful/worried about amber anymore
2. since my uncle passed i have been looking at things and situations for what they are really worth
3.i have lot going for me right now and am content with my surroundings

life is good. i don't know why i always walk around expecting something bad to happen, that happiness is only temporary. well, i'm pretty happy right and i've been pretty happy the last couple days so i hope it lasts. i've just been looking at the things that get me worked up and laughing. it kinda amazes me how the enemy uses worry in our lives to keep us from growing. if he can get our minds worrying and over analyzing everything it keeps our minds preoccupied and away from what God wants to say or show us for that day. worry is just a distraction of the truths in front of us. the number one truth is that we win and he loses. he surely doesn't want us thinking of that and of the power that put him in his place. the power of the cross and the things of God, no, he doesn't want us thinking of that. so if you find yourself worrying about stupid stuff just remember that all things work out for the good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (something like that)

i will leave you with a quote from a cuz of mine: "just let it do what it do babe, just let it do what it do."
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Testify [Dec. 6th, 2005|10:19 am]
age -ver -req
[music |Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere]

well, i took my WTCA exam for work yesterday and i think i did well. 3 1/2 hours on 23 questions, i should have gotten a prize after all that. i've been working my number 2 a lot lately. i don't mind because i do get paid really well it just eats up my personal and laundry time. i can't go to church on wednesdays either so that kinda sucks. i'll just be glad when i pay my dad off so i can start saving for a house with all that number 2 money.

i'm beach bound this weekend. i have to get away and recenter myself. there has been so much going on in my life right now i feel i need a vacation, i just wish i had someone to share it with. i met a girl in my apartment complex the other day and we talked for like 6 hours about some G stuff. she won't return my calls and i'm not going to chase after her so.... i might have put it too G to her or something. who cares. i'm going to try and have some friends down to daytona with me saturday. i'll be staying at that 5 star resort i mentioned, it should be a good time.

i have the opportunity to play with a christian band and record with them pressing. i just don't know if i'm going to have the time. they want to have CD recorded and mastered by the end of the spring and start doing a lot of promo work for the summer. it's exciting i just don't know if it's the Lord. pray that i get some clarity. there is nothing more in this world i would love to do than be a musician like that. it would take a lot a sacrifice to do right now but it would be fun. they have some songs here: http://www.myspace.com/primaldust. tell me what you think of them.
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in conjunction with my reckoning [Dec. 5th, 2005|09:47 am]
age -ver -req
[music |Led Zeppelin - Moby Dick]

most of the time i'm scared of being lonely, but what i'm coming to learn right now is contentment within myself. for so long i was dependent on someone else to help me understand how i feel, what was right, what i liked, things of that sort. i'm glad all that has changed though. i believe in order to have a truly meaningful and successful relationship you have to first know who you are as a person and what yo want in life. to live in uncertainty about the two can bring more harm than good, emotionally and spiritually. when you realize who you really are and what you really stand for, you can use that with confidence to help in choosing who you will share your feelings with. it's like a set standard of what you expect and what you don't want in a relationship. your search for a cure for loneliness should not be compromised by the morals and standards you have established in life. if you do this, you will end up becoming someone you dislike. if you can't be yourself and someone love you for that, then every second trying to make it work is a lie. the love established over time is tainted with the compromises made in the past and it will eventually catch up to you. all the anger you keep bottled up inside and all the times you should have stood on a situation and fell will only change you not them. sometimes you are attracted to someone in many different ways but one thing just strikes you wrong and instead of confronting the situation immediately you suppress it, hoping you can change them over time. what you come to find out over time is that the thing you tried to change has only changed you. i'm not saying that every relationship doesn't have compromise and that the only real love is without it, i'm just saying when you compromise who you are and what you stand for you only hurt yourself and a real love can never be truly established. it's artificial in both hearts. i guess the point to all this is know who you are and BE REAL about your feelings and morals when getting involved with someone. if they can't respect your feelings and come to you with genuine understanding for them, then is it really worth it? are you really going to be happy? the only thing made better with time is loss, that's about it.
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